Yep, it's a line from a Goo Goo Dolls song that exploded on to the pop-music scene in 1998. It's also a line that I fall back on when I talk to people about building relationships with kids, parents and other community members. You see, we all look the same when we put on a good suit, we all sound the same when we throw around our best education speak, and we all leave the same mark on someone in doing these things. What's that mark? The mark of the unspectacular. A forgettable moment lost amongst so many others in time. The beige of the color spectrum.
People don't remember us for our job titles, for our ability to blend in. They remember us for what makes us us. The things we're passionate about. Things that don't come across as calculated hype or cliche. This week I will have an opportunity that I am always grateful for, one that will allow me to let people into who I am. A teacher at my school (where I am new this year) has given me the opportunity to come and speak to her class. I've done this before. In fact, I approached her about doing it. She teaches a class called Human Growth and Development and one of their units just happens to be on families. To make a long story short I have a unique perspective on families. I was adopted as a child and I have also adopted a child of my own. Adoption is something very near and dear to my heart. I believe that all kids deserve a chance at a quality life. It's why I became an educator. I'm excited to speak to them because I am passionate about the subject, but I am also passionate about people getting to know me, getting to know what drives me, inspires me, makes me smile and makes me cry. I don't want to be just another guy with a button down collar that likes kids. I want kids, teachers, parents, community members and all the other stakeholders to know me. Beyond just getting to know me, my hope is that my own words will be someone else's inspiration, become their why, or be the thing they've been needing to hear. Something that lets them know they're not alone. Brad Meltzer said "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always." His point is spot on but let me say, you may not know anything about the battle that person is fighting, but you may just hold the right words to deliver them from their struggles just by sharing about what makes you, you. It's in this that we impact lives. We have a chance to do this as educators and I am hoping that my endeavors this week are just the beginning of many moments like that this year.
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I've come to realize lately that the people I enjoy working with the most are the one's that don't always share my same opinions, approaches or solutions. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we disagree. As long as we can do it respectfully, disagreement usually works out for the better in the long run. For me, this is particularly true for the people I supervise or do performance reviews with.
I know it's intimidating to most people to think about disagreeing with their supervisor. Honestly, experience tells me it's intimidating for most people to come to ask for a reference so I can't imagine how most people feel the first time they actually voice a difference of opinion, As intimidating as it may seem, experience also tells me it's essential in ensuring the process and performance continue to operate at a top-notch level. Yes, there's a small art-form to it but there's a lot to read on the subject about how to do it like this Harvard Business Journal Article. Henry Ford, maybe unintentionally illustrated my point better than anyone in history when he said "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses." This quote is often used when citing innovative practices, and rightfully so, but it also illustrates a simple truth about those innovative practices: we can't innovate if we simply exist as "yes bobbleheads." We might just end up with a bunch of faster horses that have simply been genetically modified, and nobody likes GMO's; at least according to my favorite TV commercials. Go ahead, have some polite and courteous disagreement. We work well together when we truly understand where one another is coming from. We will never fully learn about each other by biting our tongues and withholding our own solutions. Learn how to contribute your thoughts and ideas. Together we'll learn how to approach complex situations and we'll never be afraid to address and correct the elephant in the room. Always being agreeable leads you down the path of least resistance, but that path doesn't ever bring you to the top of the mountain. You've probably heard some iteration of the quote "Behind every student success story is a teacher or principal who championed for that student." It's a great quote and certainly one that many of us would find to be motivational. However, we're about moving forward, improving on things. Making them better. So my question is simple. How can we move from the singular (teacher, principal, student) to engage the power of the plural (teachers, principals, students)?
Just imagine the impact we would have had if that quote read "Behind every student success story are teachers and principals who championed for all students." Please know that this post is not a critique of the quote but rather a way to think about things. If a student walks out of our school system after attending K-12 and they can only identify one teacher that made a difference in their lives have we really done our best? Our calling is to educate all students and ensure that every student has a success story. That story should have several chapters written in it and his or her teachers should each be the author of one of those chapters. If you haven't written a chapter in someones story yet this year, tomorrow is a great time to start.
Wayne's World is a movie that always cracked me up. From the iconic scene of the characters lip-syncing Bohemian Rhapsody in the car to all the great one-liners it's certainly a movie that stands the test of time. The scene I posted above, while less memorable, got me thinking about the metaphor of going backstage and what it represents.
You see, everyone sees the show when they go to a concert. Some of us may sit a little closer than others but we all see and hear the same thing; and that thing is exactly what the artist wants us to hear. When you go backstage, however, the tale becomes different. You see things in their raw form, at their core, not something staged for a performance. So what's the tie in to education? Simple. Authentic learning. You learn so much more about your favorite musical artists backstage than you ever could at a show. That's why it's called a show and why shows like VH-1's behind the music (I know, I'm dating myself) Authentic learning is one of those buzz phrases that so many of us talk about, reflect on and try to implement into practice. It's a great idea, learning that reflects a real world application of what's being taught. The interesting thing though is that we often try to do this without being authentic ourselves. So, the question I ask is who has backstage passes to your life? If the answer is not your students, you're going struggle with authentic learning. You see, authentic learning has to come from an authentic source. If you're students don't view you as being authentic, they won't learn in authentic ways from you. Being authentic boils down really to evidence? What evidence do you have that supports you, the authentic person? For example, I tell kids all the time that I do what I do because I love and care about kids. What evidence do I have? I talk about my own kids and the epically awesome moments as well as those tough times where I struggled. I tell them about watching my son being taken straight to a NICU after he was born because he was not breathing regularly. I tell them about traveling halfway around the world to adopt a little girl I had never met. I tell them about how my son cracks me up when he says he wants a pet, and when I ask what kind he says "a yak!" I share my feelings, my struggles, the good and the bad. I'm authentic and I don't shy away from being that way. In other words, I give people a backstage pass to my life, I don't just put on a show. Looking for a way to strengthen and build relationships in your classroom or life as we begin a new year? Give kids a backstage pass into your life. You can do it and be age/content appropriate. I think you would be surprised that many kids have gone through similar circumstances to you. Once you conquer that you'll find new avenues for creating authentic learning experiences. You won't be disappointed. I was driving home the other day when I pulled up behind a nice Cadillac XTS. I like cars so this one definitely caught my eye. The other thing that caught my eye was the vanity license plate on the car. They read "2ND2NO1" (second to no one). While I'd like to think that license represents that persons struggle to overcome obstacles and make something from their life in less than ideal circumstances, I couldn't help but hope that was not how that person approached life.
I'm not going to advocate for self-deprecation here as that can be equally as unflattering. It's ok to acknowledge and accept praise for a job well done. What I will say is that seems a lot more likely to come your way if you approach many situations as being second to everyone. It's easy for me to say this as an educator because it's what we do. Our job is to make those around us better; to help them grow in ways they didn't know were possible. Anyone can do it though. You don't have to be an educator, work for a church, non-profit or the like, you just have to approach things with the benefit of others in mind. I hope that person is experiencing success beyond their wildest dreams. I hope they have an opportunity to be second to someone someday. It's a humbling experience to put others before yourself. In a world where we hear we've "got to get ours" I can honestly tell you that the best I've ever gotten came from being second to someone; putting them before myself. I made my own little vanity plate below. Maybe someday I will get one just like it to go on my car. #2ND2EVRY1 One of the lost opportunities in learning and life is not sharing enough about ourselves. I wear a few different hats: husband, father and assistant principal being the main three. These are the things that I wish people knew about me broken down over three blog posts, one on each of the three main hats I wear. The second post, Jeff Lahey, Husband.
I wish people knew that this will be the most difficult post I ever write. It will highlight my shortcomings but will hopefully lead to growth. I wish people knew that this is most important hat I wear. I'm hardly one to write the book on being a great husband but the first step is recognizing what is important. The other two hats only exist because of the love and support I get from my spouse. I sometimes get too wrapped up in my work and spend entirely too many hours on things that could probably wait. Work-life balance is something I have always struggled with. I wish people knew that I truly believe I married out of my league. I am forever grateful to my wife for allowing me to spend the last 10+ years with her. I could not and would not be where I am today without her support. I wish people knew that as much as I like to give of myself to others, my wife does not receive near as much of this as she should. I can get very self-centered and impatient when I come home at the end of the day. I would say that I hope she knows how much I care about her but hope is not much of a plan. I wish people knew that I am going to do better as a husband. That's the beauty of blogging. You can put it out there and now you're accountable to it. I wish more people I knew would try it. One of the lost opportunities in learning and life is not sharing enough about ourselves. I wear a few different hats: husband, father and assistant principal being the main three. These are the things that I wish people knew about me broken down over three blog posts, one on each of the three main hats I wear. The first, Jeff Lahey, Assistant Principal
Look for part two in the series "What I Wish People Knew About Me" focused on my life as a husband. “Would you want to be a student in your own class?” I’ve seen this question quite a few times. It’s a good one for sure and if you answer it honestly you can elicit some great reflection on how to improve your practice. What I’ve never seen is the follow-up question I am going to ask right now: “Would someone want to grow up to be you?”
I’m not talking about growing up to be a teacher, many will do that of their own accord or answering some other calling in their life. That would be growing up to work in the same profession as you. I’m referring to BEING you. What would your students describe your demeanor to be? How do they see you treat others? Are you easily drawn offsides or provoked into a reaction? Has anyone ever seen the lighter side of you; the one that tells jokes and realizes that just because you’re an educator you know a thing or two about enjoying life? What actions do you demonstrate that show you really are trying to make the world a better place? Do you ever act like something is beneath you? If we’re going to say things like “every kid deserves a champion” and we want all students to “enjoy thriving, productive lives in a future they create” shouldn’t kids be inspired by more than just our curriculum? Our practice should not be all that defines us. If it is, we aren’t educating the whole child. What does it mean to be you? Have you ever really thought about these questions as they pertain to you? Yes, I realize you live them out on a daily basis, but have you ever taken the time to process this out? I’m not talking about your height, weight, where you live, where you born. I’m talking about you at your core. How would you define a family? Do you include grandparents, great grandparents? What role does a family play in daily life? What do you define as the “correct” way to raise a child? What are you views on spirituality/religion? How do you value individualism vs. collectivism? The list could go on and on.
The question of “what does it mean to be you” is one of the greatest starting points for building relationships centered on trust and understanding that I have ever been asked or asked of others. It’s a great starting place for those of you looking for a way in with that student, co-worker, parent or administrator you’ve been struggling to find a relationship with. Ask it, listen to their response and be prepared with your own. It builds a great shared understanding, it’s just not the only piece to the puzzle. You see, when someone shares what it means to be them, there are a few possible outcomes. You could realize that you have a lot in common with this other person. You could see a totally different perspective. You could also realize that someone has a totally different values and beliefs system than anything you would ever want to wrap your head around. The second, and maybe most important question in fostering a relationship built on trust is: “How will you respond to someone whose definitions and core values seem to fly in the face of what defines you?” First and foremost don’t have a knee-jerk reaction. Be committed to finding a positive outcome from this experience. Be humorously curious and avoid a “how could you think that way” attitude. Also, be subtle. When working through conflicting points of view you don’t want to draw attention to yourself or the other(s) involved. Particularly with students, you’ve got to remember that their life experiences have shaped their core values. Walking hand-in-hand with that is the fact that children often don’t choose all of their life experiences. Parents, grandparents or even a series of unfortunate circumstances can have a profound impact on how a child views him or herself. Relationships based on trust take work. A part of that work is being reflective with yourself. Take some time to consider what it means to be you and how you will respond to working with someone who doesn’t quite come from the same mold. If you’ll dedicate the time, you’ll see the fruits of your labor. Relationships are the foundation upon which education is built. I would even dare to say that there may not be a more people oriented business than being an educator. As I returned back to work this week I was reflecting on last year, thinking about those students that I know I really need to build relationships. As I was reflecting I began to think about all the times we talk about building relationships. While it’s great we talk about it so much I feel like we’ve begun to see this as somewhat of a one-way street.
If we focus on relationships as something we build with kids only we will miss the mark. As an educator, some of the greatest moments in my career centered around times where kids invested in me, made me feel safe, made me feel like I was valued. Building relationships is a two way street. If we spend all of our time investing in the kids but we don’t allow them to invest in us our relationships will never fully materialize. Doing this will require us to be vulnerable. We may have to share things or exhibit certain behaviors that we’ve played close to the vest for a long time. It will require us to admit that we don’t have all the answers and that we can learn so much from our students. It means that sometimes we need a little help to make it through the class, lesson day or whatever is in front of us and our students can provide just that. The bottom line is that if we look at relationships as something that educators pour into students we will miss that the reciprocal of this is also necessary. Without the reciprocal, you’ll find yourself stuck in very superficial, if not artificial relationships that will likely end up doing more harm than good. |
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January 2020
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